The Should Conundrum
Learning to stay in our own lane may be the real path to inner peace... and relationship peace.
Relationships can be challenging.
That sentence in and of itself could take us in a thousand different directions, but today I want to talk about what I call the Should Conundrum.
I don’t remember much about life before social media came along. And perhaps, social media just makes an easy scapegoat, but it seems I have an opinion on just about everything these days. Mostly, I try to keep those opinions to myself, at least I try to keep them out of the public eye. But my poor wife… she suffers them all.
That in and of itself is probably pain full enough, but far too often, I have an opinion on something she’s doing, or not doing, that could or should be done better/different/faster/smarter/etc.
What it comes down to, when all is said and done, is last week I put myself in a Should Conundrum. Maybe you know what I’m talking about, maybe you don’t, but hopefully, you will when this conversation comes to an end.
The short version of the Should Conundrum is simply thinking you know what’s best for someone else.
Some of us lucky ones have figured out how to earn money by providing opinions. Like me, those people probably have the word “advisor” or “consultant” in their job descriptions. It’s what I do for a living, and I do it well. I’m good at evaluating situations and finding solutions to them.
So when I come home from work, I often forget that my audience outside of work doesn’t give a rats ass what I am good at while I am at work.
So what did I do? In short, I didn’t listen to her, which was really all she needed from me.
It’s pretty typical when I walk into the house, she’s still plugging away at her computer. I have made it a habit to sit down at the guest chair in her office until she comes up for air. When she’s ready to wrap up, I ask her about her day.
More times than not, we chat about what worked and didn’t work during our day. But sometimes, it’s more personal, talking more about what is or is not working with us. It may be a health topic. It may be a situation with one of our kids. It may an observation or a struggle that one of is having with a parent, a co-worker, a neighbor, or a friend.
It’s these personal topics that really lend themselves to the Should Conundrum. These often have an elevated level of emotionality attached to them, and that keys up the problem-solver side of me.
And last week, I went and did it again.
Instead of listening, I kept trying to solve her issues for her. I kept suggesting, and suggesting, and suggesting. But she didn’t come to me for suggestions, she didn’t come to me for shoulds. (Heck, she really didn’t come to me at all. I sat down in her chair). To the extent she wanted to share, she just wanted to share what was going on for her.
And thus, the conundrum.
From my perspective, she was experiencing a perspective problem, causing her a whole lot of unhealthy stress. I offered my opinion. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but instead, I was trying to help her see another way forward.
The answer was so obvious to me that I could not hear anything else. Not only did I know what was best for her, but I was committed to getting her to see things from my point of view. Because I knew better than she what she should be doing.
I feel like an ass even saying that. But I do it all the time, and I suspect you do too.
She never asked me for my opinion, but I insisted on offering it anyway.
It may be your best friend, your kids, or your neighbors. Hell, it may even be your dog or the slow car in front of you in the fast lane. Shoulds happen everywhere.
And every time you think about those shoulds, you move into your own suffering far more quickly than you alleviate someone else’s.
She had had enough of my shoulds, and she told me so. But I was oblivious, I wouldn’t, couldn’t understand. I reacted, and we slid down the slippery slope.
So what did I do? I recommended a book - Loving What is by Byron Katie. Let’s just say in a not-so-appreciative way, she told me to fuck off.
I fell deeper into the conundrum.
And then I picked up the very same book and started re-reading it myself.
Katie talks about the three kinds of business. My business, your business, and God’s business. We have control of just one of those. Can you guess which it is?
“To think I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what is right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.” - Byron Katie
Now, it should be noted that my wife has been known to have an opinion or two of her own. And while sometimes I don’t appreciate the unsolicited feedback, her willingness to speak her truth creates an environment of extrinsic motivation. I’m a fairly intrinsically motivated guy, so a lot of times her feedback is fucking annoying, but at the end of the day there’s usually a nugget of truth in it, and it’s something that I need to hear.
So of course, I assumed she needed my feedback too. But the result wasn’t motivation for her. My inability to listen combined with my proclivity for providing a solution was creating unnecessary tension, anxiety, and fear. That’s what I was creating for her. My opinions were in no way helpful for her.
And I was putting myself in the Should Conundrum.
The reality is that we all have to find what works for us.
How I get unstuck works for me, and for me alone. She has her own way.
And sometimes, she just needs someone to vent to. I was supposed to be that someone, but I fucked it all up.
I fucked it up because I thought I knew best.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“To think I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business.”
Thank you, Byron Katie. That was a kick in the balls.
So I’m working on that. It’s not easy, especially when I give advice for a living. I live in the land of shoulds.
But it occurred to me, once I had the Byron Katie-inspired epiphany, there is a healthy dose of peace that happens when you only worry about yourself.
So I have surrendered, at least for today. And while it’s likely I will climb back on the should-giving bandwagon at some point, it feels good to eat a little humble pie, and I’m committed to focusing on my business before I try to solve your problems, her problems, or anyone’s problems for them.
And in doing so, I’ve discovered a sense of calm that hasn’t been with me for a while. It’s exhausting thinking it’s your job to save someone else when every day you’re just trying to be the best you.
And my wife? She’s thriving too. She’s a beautiful, resilient, independent, powerful soul and I’m ashamed I ever allowed myself to think I knew what was best for her.
Give it a try, friends. Try to go just one day focused on your business. Find the power in just staying in your own lane. Maybe you’ll find you are a better friend, a better partner, a better parent, a better person than I have been.